drama

3rd December: Day 52 of doing one thing as if I was living that day as my last.

Whilst Bronchitis and I were in bed together last week, we watched The Holiday. Since then I’ve been thinking a bit about the scene where the charming old neighbour tells Kate Winslet that she needs to the leading lady in her life: (at about 1:30)

The thing is, I sometimes feel like my life is actually a movie.

And so, when I am out in public, staring absently ahead, lost in troubling thoughts set to Jon Foreman’s “Learning How to Die” or William Fitzsimmon’s “Funeral Dress”, I am in a dramatic scene.  And whilst I don’t try to be over the top, I just feel whatever it is that rushes over me.  Right there and then.  And sometimes a tear will slip down my cheeks.

It happened a few weeks ago.  My hands were full of clothes that I was about to donate.  I was thinking about little daily things.  And then I started thinking about a certain thing I didn’t know how to do.  And it hit me.  Of how hard it was to lose someone that I lost two years ago.  A person I thought I was over.  And before I knew it, a wave of loss and sadness came over me.  My lip was trembling, and the tears were coming.  I turned from chucking my trousers in the bin and though I tried to avoid their looks, I saw the construction workers notice my emotion.  It actually was the thing that put a smile on my face, the thought that perhaps they attributed the waterworks to separation anxiety from my beloved clothing.

And then it happened on Wednesday.  I was exasperated about waiting for twenty minute for my first bus in Putney, and then missing the second bus in Richmond.  I sat on the bus and was overcome by the feelings that had been creeping up for the few days prior.  The “I feel so lonely and miss Brussels and friends that I connect with and can spill my heart out to… and “when the hell am I going to have close British girlfriends!?” and even more, the depressing realisation that in my honesty and the process of giving up on my friend from Brussels, I’m losing a friend. And he’s not even noticing it. (oh God, even more a sign that I’m the “unloved walking wounded” that Kate was talking about!) And so, as I stared out the window and the bus nudged forward towards Kew, I let it be an internally dramatic moment of catharsis.

By the time I made it to my front door, the whole world hadn’t transformed, but I was relieved to have vented out those feelings… and with the release came a clarity that I need to make the shift from passive to active… and that this British friendship thing is one very long haul. The black tie efforts are commendable, but I need to do the thing I only recently noticed I never do: take the initiative and initiate a one-on-one meetings… And so, I opened up my laptop and began the stream of emails for weekend plans…

my cup of tea

Somehow drinking more tea always appears on my list of resolutions… learning to like green tea is my goal, but in truth my preference remains fruity tisanes with two splendas and milk. I only tend to drink tea in spurts – perhaps because enjoying tea properly seems to be a moment of indulgence. The warm feeling of wrapping your fingers around the cup, the first few sips, contemplative thoughts, long conversations unraveling or solitary journaling… pretty deep for a bag of leaves and some water, non?

Dramatically deep or not, this morning K, M and I started out the day with some serious tea: Tea Forte: a trendy triangular citrus mint tea bag in a cup that pledged to make me “sinceri: the quality of being open and truthful while drinking tea”.

To be sinceri with you, I love being in my company’s London office and having coworkers offer me tea for elevenses’ and fours’… their two tea times. Yes, I am very easily swept off my feet by the Brits. And speaking of being swept of my feet and what’s my cup of tea, why do I find it so adorable and charming when British men talk about drinking tea?? Because macho American men would never admit to it?? Note to self: stay away from all British men – especially the losers – until I get over this and raise the bar on what intrigues me!